<< The love we deserve

We take the love that we think we deserve. It’s not infrequent to hear complaints around us about non reciprocal shows of affection and lack of recognition from others; and yet, very few are willing to simply terminate the relationship or at least amend it, making the overall process much more painful.

This problem is strongly rooted in (1)a misguided sense of loyalty, and (2).a misunderstanding of the value we have as individuals. 

Let’s start with loyalty. This value, that determines the overall quality of most relationships, can quickly turn into a problem if directed to the wrong person. Out of loyalty it’s rather easy to justify misbehavior by downplaying faults or portraying it as simple elements of the other person’s personality. Constantly glossing over faults of others is almost a textbook definition for toxicity.

Evidently, just because we’re faithfull toward others, does not imply the same in return. Permanence in these relationships teaches us quickly to mask reactions of discomfort eventually undermining our own self worth (a seemingly unnoticeably process) . 

This brings me to the second component in this equation: not understanding properly our own value. In order for us to come into a position in which we’re undervalued, we have to believe that what we’re getting is the best possible outcome, or that we get enough for who we are as individuals. 

If you wholeheartedly believe that you’re worth only the leftovers of someone else’s affection, then that is as much as you’re going to get. These elements in combination become a terrible mixture and constitute the basis for less than ideal or straight up hurtful relationships in our lives. 

It all boils down to what we desire. Fundamentally, we cannot force others to be a part of our life if they decide that is not their place to be. By the same token it’s a suboptimal solution to fill our social lives with people who clearly do not want to include us in it.

That being said, it’s not hard to understand why it is so difficult to make these evaluations: It forces us to take a step forward, and to decide to continue or terminate something that we hold dear. 

We might have invested plenty of time, or have very good memories; but that shouldn’t mean we should hang in there even more. Because ultimately it’s a fool’s errand.

Love is not a given from anyone nor should it be. We all deserve to feel taken care of. Treating others with disdain simply because we refuse to take responsibility over our relationships, is as bad as accepting to be on the receiving end. Community is an important element of human interaction, no family member, friend or lover deserves our unconditional affection. 

All comes with a price, and everyone should pay their fair share.

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